Like many others it has become time for me to post my story after the countless similarities in all of the posts surrounding the behavior and choices made while on this nasty *** family of SSRI’s! This is going to pretty lengthy, as all post concerning this horrible topic are I guess! So read on if you have the time.
My nightmare began in 2010; my loving wife and I became pregnant on the heels of losing our beloved dog at only 4 years old due to cancer. The loss and grief manifested through the first trimester and by the second my wife was hospitalized for severe anxiety and depression. Hands down the scariest thing I had ever experienced in our marriage, her total loss of control of mind and body. In the delicate process of figuring out a treatment plan while considering the safety of the fetus a very low dosage of Lexapro was given which did not agree with my wife so she was switched to Zoloft. The dose was 25mg, it was explained that the drug would take weeks to become effective and she would have to be weaned off after the “treatment” if only I knew!!
Eventually the dose kept getting upped due to its in-effectiveness until just before birth she was at 100mg. During this time she was also prescribed Ativan to counter the non-effecting Zoloft until it started to work. This was supposed to be “temporary” yet still the scripts get processed together since day one, 12/2010.
Immediately following the birth the Zoloft was upped to 200mg in an effort to thwart post-partum. I was on board since I never wanted to ever see my wife suffer what she had during anti-partum! Again if only I had known! So after a few weeks into breast feeding my wife chose to stop because the guilt of passing the drug through to the baby was getting to her. The Doctors said that the baby would not be affected and that the baby may become more irritable upon withdrawal. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOPPED FEEDING HER with that milk!!
Immediately following discontinued milk production my wife began to through herself at drinking, partying and smoking to “get her life back”. I am guessing that this was the first sign of reckless behavior with many to follow looking back on things. So at eight weeks following the birth she met me at the door clutch in hand upon arrival home from work stating “I need to get out of here” I am going to dinner with Sue. Leaving to “get out of here” soon became a pattern!! That night she did not come home, she stayed out drinking with Sue, when she did return home at 6am she was still drunk and needed to have her friend Gina come and take care of her and the baby. I was leaving for work and was terrified, so I felt relief Gina was there! What I did not know at the time was she was at Gina’s home with sue where normally she stayed when drinking too much but Gina was not there due to marital problems- I found this out later.
Quick background on that situation; we had a set of dear friends Mike and Gina going through divorce during the anti-partum and they kept it from us realizing we did not need the added stress. The problem is my wife became way invested in helping them once we knew which eventually lead to an affair, more about that later…
That night I returned home from work and told my wife “this cannot happen anymore” we have an eight week old baby that relies on us 24/7 and we cannot jeopardize her safety! Soon after this event my life really became hell!! This was right at the end of June. At the beginning of July my wife went to a concert with some friends and stayed at another friend’s home only to take a cab home at 4 in the morning as a result of being way too drunk to drive. This was 5 days after our “talk” about being responsible for the baby. This happened 2 more times that month and eventually her friend would tell me she was concerned with my wife’s behavior.
At the end of July we were having trouble with getting her RX’s filled and apparently she stopped the Zoloft cold turkey for a week. She called me at work and said she was tingling all over, had blurred vision, rapid heartbeat and thought she might pass out. I told her to immediately call 911 it would be an hour before I could get there, looking back I should have called! She chose instead to call our friends Mike and Gina so Gina could stay with the baby and Mike could take her to the hospital. “If only I had known”!! Soon after this event my situation really turned BAD!
During this whole period we were consoling our friend Mike with his divorce because his wife was insolating herself trying to keep perspective and evaluate what they were dealing with without others outside opinion/influence. I remember feeling this was wrong but later realized she did the right thing! He on the other hand would come for dinner and hang out, drink and keep my wife up talking to all hours. After a while I spoke to my wife and said we need to limit our time with him because I did not want her becoming his therapist. This just pissed her off and drove her to him. Eventually he and I stopped talking but he kept in contact with my wife on the sneak. Apparently he kissed her that night in June while at his and Gina’s house. All the while she was dealing with those confusing emotions and I had no idea what was happening.
This eventually lead into “we need to talk” which lead into her sleeping in a different room, which lead into “I need my own space” which lead into I want to move out. All of this was happening between September and October. I was trying to cope with all this and give her space because every one of her doctors and even our pediatrician said to be careful what you say and how you act with her because it could impact her depression. What I find most disturbing is how she started to leave the house and say “I’m staying by my brother tonight” plain and simply abandoning her family. I was dealing with this alone; the only one who knew anything was happening was my sister. I kept thinking how can she be acting this way and why is she leaving the baby and I?
The behavior patterned running from her family responsibilities, reckless and carelessness judgment and HEAVY drinking! I’d constantly come home to an already buzzed wife ready to bail from having been home with the baby as soon as I returned from work. I was scared and had no idea how to handle what I was experiencing it was truly making me nuts. The thing that really frightened me was all of the deceit once I found out what was going on! I could not believe the things that she was doing and I kept saying to her if my wife returns or shows up have her call me. I can’t even tell you how often I asked “is there someone else” just tell me; all the while she denied it! We even went to a wedding together with the M & G and I caught her trying to sneak out when he left. I knew something was up and she just kept denying!
Once the affair was found out she went into defense mode and that’s when I heard “I love you but I am not in love with you” which turned into I have never loved you and I have been miserable for years.
What I am finding out with all of the hours researching this is; when you confront the behavior they totallydefend, justify and deny it is anything but their true feelings? Very weird!!!
During this whole time she was seeing a therapist and I said great I’ve paid to have you figure you don’t love me. She said I have done a lot of hard work and you will not discredit it. She has her family convinced she is the most clear she has ever been and has me questioning my sanity. I have been going round and round questioning what I saw, lived and experienced!!
Now I am hearing I am in denial and just grasping at straws from people. I constantly have to defend myself for fighting for my wife!! I keep saying this is not the same person I married; she looks different, smells different, ACTs different and even sounds different!!! There are a few people that understand but unless someone is going through something like this how much attention will anyone give to reading all of the info I have found?
Talking with her is weird she tells me I will never understand why she feels the way she does and I tell her to explain it to me. She says it will only hurt me more. That is BS how much more can I hurt? I have heard through a mutual friend that through exploring her feelings she has loved Mike for the 10years she has known him? WTF! I can’t and won’t believe this! As time passes the story changes due to damage control mode by getting caught in the affair. I can’t get over the delusion, lies and BS.
It is very weird to experience the behavior and not have anyone else see it. I thought I was going nuts until a few of her friends recently admitted they saw some difference in her. Another weird behavior is she expects me to be a friend? I am in total morning of the loss and I mean severe grieving of the person I fell in love with. And the new selfish, confidant, condescending, Twin expects me to “just accept it”?
I love my wife and that has never been a question to anyone, we had a marriage that people envied! Not without problems but never anything major. Typical communication issues but a deal breaker? No way! Her decision making and judgment is way messed up thanks Zoloft!
I am currently holding out and trying to go with everything but it is very painful! She is supposed to start the weaning process in April as planned and it terrifies me what will happen between then and now.
I could go on and on and on….
In closing finding this site through “Marriages destroyed by SSRI’s/SRNI’s” on Topix has made me feel so much better and understand a ton, for that I am grateful!!! If nothing else I feel much better knowing I am not alone!
Recovered post from now closed paxilprogress.org. 1/20/2012