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Lost

I was married for 6 years to a wonderful compassionate woman.  We started our family, had 3 kids, and were seeing the world together.  When I was stationed in Hawaii I had to travel for work often and this caused my wife to have severe anxiety.  While she was in a panic attack a doctor prescribed her lexapro.  Almost immediately the woman I knew changed.  I attributed the sexual side effects to the medicine as we were very close that way and thought that if it helped her feel better it was worth the disconnect.  Little did I know she wasn't feeling anything at all.   I changed jobs after her attacks and we moved to Alaska because I valued our marriage over work. The medicine blunted her emotions.  We went on like that for 4 years, disconnected sexuality and no matter what I did I couldn't content with her emotionally although I did not connect that with the medicine as she kept that to herself.   I saw her eyes start to wonder and felt the disconnect but was powerless to stop what I knew was coming.  My wife started going out to clubs drinking and doing things a teenager would do then come home and refuse to talk about any of it.  She ended up in an affair with a convicted sex offender who was also married she met at the gym.  After a year of denying what she was doing, I found proof, and was to the point of divorce.   I believed that the medicine was causing her to not feel anything and after 6 months of trying she finally got off the medicine.   My wife's personality returned after 2 months of severe withdrawal  (memory loss, brain zaps, lethargy, mood swings) and now we are trying to deal with the fallout of the affair and all the rest of her cheating.   I don't even know where to start with this medicine except to say that I don't believe that it helps anyone.  My wife was soo messed up on the medicine she literally was unable to see the consequences of her actions.  It's a miracle she didn't end up pregnant or with a disease.  The only thing she was capable of feeling for two years was exitement.  Now that her emotions have returned she is struggling to deal with everything she has done.  I am also struggling with trying to move on with this woman that treated me soo terribly for soo long.  After she tapered off her medicine she told me she was falling in love with me all over again.  I don't know how I can feel confident in my relationship with her anymore after everything that she has done. She didn't even recognize her own emotions when they returned I had to explain to her what she was feeling like a child learning what to call what your feelings for the first time.

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